OH, MY GOD

 

Four Catholic mothers sit together over a cup of coffee and try to impress each other with the importance of their sons.

Says the first one: "My son is a Priest. When he enters a room, people say 'Father' to him".

Say the second: "Nice. But my son is a Bishop. Whenever he enters a room, people say 'Your Excellency' ".

The third mother, proudly: "I don't want to brag, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he enters the room, people say 'Your Eminence' ".

The fourth quietly sips her coffee. The others look to her, questioningly. Finally she says: "My son is a wonderful 1 meter 95 tall, musculous stripper. Whenever he enters the room all people gasp for air and say, 'Oh, My God' ".

 


 

THREE NUNS

 

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A RUGBY FINAL.
THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND.
BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO SYDNEY. THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE".
THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO TASMANIA. THERE ARE ONLY 50 NUNS LIVING THERE".
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO NEW ZEALAND. THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE".
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL? THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE".

 

 


 

 

MINTA SEPULUH

 

 

Konon, 10 Perintah Allah itu sebenarnya bukan untuk orang Israel, melainkan untuk bangsa lain tapi justru bangsa lain yang ditawarkan malah menolak. Begini kisahnya ...

 

Malaikat ke Italia. Malaikat: "Hei kamu orang Italia, mau perintah Allah nggak?"

Orang Italia: "Apa isinya?"

Malaikat: "Jangan membunuh!"

Orang Italia: "Sori yach, kami ini mafia, membunuh adalah kegiatan kami"

 

Lalu malaikat itu terbang ke Rusia. Malaikat: "Hei kamu orang Rusia, mau perintah Allah nggak?"

Orang Rusia: "Apa isinya?"

Malaikat: "Sembahlah TUHAN, Allahmu!"

Orang Rusia: "Sori yach, kami ini atheis. Nggak percaya ama Tuhanmu!"

 

Lalu malaikat itu terbang ke Cina. Malaikat: "Hei kamu orang Cina, mau perintah Allah nggak?"

Orang Cina: "Apa isinya?". 

Malaikat: "Jangan berdusta!"

Orang Cina: "Sori yach, kami ini pedagang, jadi mesti menipu."

 

Malaikat menjadi frustrasi. Akhirnya ia terbang ke orang Israel yang terkenal kebandelan dan kekikirannya. Siapa tahu mereka mau, gumam malaikat. Malaikat: "Hei kamu orang Israel, mau perintah Allah nggak?"

Orang Israel: "Bayar nggak?"

Malaikat: "Ini gratis!"

Orang Israel: "Oke, kami minta SEPULUH!"

 

 


 

 

HYPNOTIC

Seorang wanita pulang mengabarkan pada suaminya kalau penyakit migraine menahunnya sudah sembuh total.
Rupanya dia pergi mengunjungi ahli hypnotist. Dia disuruh berdiri menghadap cermin, lalu menatap matanya sambil mengulangi kata-kata: "Saya tidak punya migraine, saya tidak punya migraine, saya tidak punya migraine".

Hasilnya? Migraine-nya lenyap! "Wah...hebat benar, Ma!", jawab suaminya.
Si istri lalu berkata, "Pa, Papa kan tahu sendiri, akhir-akhir ini papa sudah nggak bergairah dan loyo di ranjang. Gimana kalo Papa juga therapy ahli hypnotist itu?

Si suami setuju lalu pergi. Sepulangnya di rumah dia segera merobek pakaiannya, menggendong istrinya dan membawanya ke kamar. Diletakkannya si istri yang sedang tersenyum mesra di ranjang dan berkata, "Jangan kemana-mana, Papa segera kembali"

Dia pergi ke kamar mandi, kembali beberapa menit kemudian, melompat ke atas ranjang dan merekapun segera terlibat dalam percintaan yang sangat membara, yang belum pernah dirasakan sang istri sebelumnya.
"Wah...Papa luar biasa!". "Eit! Jangan kemana-mana, Papa segera kembali"

Kembali si suami masuk kamar mandi, kembali ke ranjang dan memulai ronde 2 yang bahkan lebih hot lagi. Lagi-lagi si suami berkata, "Papa segera kembali".

Kali ini si istri diam-diam mengikutinya dan di sana, dia melihat suaminya berdiri di depan cermin sambil berkata..............
"Dia bukan istriku! Dia bukan istriku! Dia bukan istriku!"

 

 


 

 

HIDUP  POLIANDRI

 

 

Waktu itu lagi asiik ngobrol ama temen cewek yang rencananya mau nikah bulan-bulan ini ... sampe akhirnya ngomongin tentang poligami .... komentarnya memang agak nyeberang ... malahan jadi ngebahas poliandri katanya gini nih..............
"Menurut daku, yang diperlukan oleh seorang anak bukanlah siapakah lelaki yang menyumbangkan seciprat sperma untuk membuat dirinya, tapi siapakah yang berperan sebagai sosok seorang ayah sesungguhnya dalam pertumbuhannya. Justru dengan sistem 4 ayah 1 ibu, anak-anak diuntungkan karena lebih banyak yang melindungi mereka jika ada apa-apa. Bahkan mungkin ada baiknya jika ke-empat ayah tersebut mengatur shift kerja mereka sehingga setidaknya ada 1 ayah yang selalu berjaga di rumah setiap saat. Menjaga keluarga dari mara bahaya (misal: kalau ada perampok yang masuk rumah, setidaknya ada seorang lelaki dewasa yang akan melindungi ibu dan anak-anaknya). Selain itu, 4 ayah berarti adanya 4 tulang punggung keluarga (EMPAT saudara-saudara!! E-M-P-A-T!! bukan 1 atau 2 atau 3, tapi EMPAT sumber pemasukan keluarga!!). Jadi secara keseluruhan, kesejahteraan keluarga menjadi lebih baik. Biaya perawatan anakpun lebih terjamin. Jika yang 1 terkena PHK, masih ada 3 lainnya yang bekerja. Tentunya yang terkena pehaka itu juga akan merasa gengsi dan malu terhadap 3 suami lainnya, sehingga ia akan berusaha mendapatkan kerja secepatnya.

Poliandri juga baik untuk mengurangi jumlah penduduk. Sebab, walaupun ada 4 pejantan yang siap membuahi, tapi pabrik anaknya cuma 1!! Jadinya ya dalam jangka panjang akan mengurangi jumlah penduduk dan anak-anak yang dibuat pun diharapkan lebih "berkualitas" (ya itulah, karena biaya perawatan anak datang dari 4 sumber pemasukan, intinya: turunkan kuantitas, naikkan kualitas).

Kalau poligami bisa mengakibatkan persaingan di antara para istri dan anak-anaknya, poliandri mungkin bisa memberikan efek perdamaian. Sebab pada saat seorang anak tidak jelas siapa ayahnya (pokoknya di antara 4 itu.........ehh, diluar 4 itu juga bisa ding), maka para ayah akan tetap memberikan perhatian kepada si anak. Masing-masing ayah akan menganggap anak tersebut adalah anaknya (kalau dipoligamikan, bisa ada resiko setiap anak membangga-banggakan ibunya doang dan menjelekkan ibu dari anak yang lain).
Para ayah tersebut punya teman untuk ngobrol malam-malam, teman untuk main catur, main panco (kalau mau juga bisa buat turnamen kecil-kecilan) ataupun main kartu (pas 4 orang.......cocok buat maen capsah, maen mahjong juga bisa). Nonton bola di rumah pun menjadi lebih semarak!

Dengan sistem 4 suami pula para pria bisa belajar menekan rasa egoisnya dengan saling berbagi, bertoleransi dan bersabar. Ingat, Tuhan suka orang sabar.

Rewelnya istri pun menjadi lebih berkurang. Bayangkan jika seorang suami punya 4 istri. Maka dalam 24 jam, akan ada 4 orang istri yang berpotensi untuk mengomel dan mengeluh di kuping suami. Tapi JIKA 4 suami 1 istri, maka rata-rata kemungkinan masing-masing suami di-rese-in istri adalah maksimal 6 jam sehari (dengan asumsi ngawur bahwa sang istri mengomel selama 24 jam non-stop). Sudah menjadi pengetahuan umum pula jika umur harapan hidup pria lebih pendek. Jadi, setidaknya jika seorang suami mati, sang istri tidak akan langsung menjadi janda, masih ada 3 orang suami yang menemani. Sementara jika sang istri yang mati, maka para suami bisa memilih untuk segera kawin lagi atau menjomblo (point bebek di sini: kalau seorang wanita menjadi janda, maka ia lebih sulit untuk mencari suami daripada seorang duda mencari istri).

Sekarang mari kita tinjau dari sudut seksualitas. Sudah menjadi keluhan umum di rubrik konsultasi kalau banyak wanita gagal mencapai orgasme karena suami cepat selesai, atau tidur begitu saja setelah mencapai puncak. Padahal pada umumnya, wanita itu lebih lambat panas daripada pria. Nah, dengan adanya 4 suami, maka suami-suami tersebut bisa ber-estafet ria. Jika istri lambat panas dan belum panas-panas juga, maka jangan kuatir, masih ada rekan anda yang akan meneruskan perjuangan membawa istri menuju ke puncak kenikmatan (menuju puncak, gemilang cahaya, mengukir cinta, SEJUTA RASA.....kyaaaaaaa.!!).

Poliandri secara sekilas juga sesuai dengan kodrat seks manusia. Laki-laki pada umumnya hanya dapat orgasme 1 kali, lalu kehabisan tenaga, sementara wanita bisa orgasme berkali-kali, bahkan organ seksualnyapun tidak usah membutuhkan persiapan terlalu banyak seperti halnya laki-laki.


Akhir kata, dapat disimpulkan (lagi-lagi) secara SEPIHAK bahwa kalau memang HARUS memilih, maka poliandri "lebih baik" daripada poligami.
Nah loh ............

 


Ada pepatah mengatakan:
" Laki-laki seperti botol coca-cola: biar isi berceceran di mana-mana yang penting botol dipulangin".
" Perempuan seperti kulkas: biarpun nggak ke mana-mana, tapi dapat menyimpan beberapa botol sekaligus di dalamnya".
Peace sodara sodara!!!

 


 

 

 


 

 

MODERN VERSION OF THE BIRDS & BEES

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers:
"Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cybercafé. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the DELETE button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"

 


 

MATTER OF INTERPRETATION

 

When I take a long time ~ I am slow

When my boss takes a long time ~ He is thorough

When I don’t do it ~ I am lazy

When my boss doesn’t do it ~ He is too busy

When I do something without being told ~ I am trying to be smart

When my boss does the same ~ that is initiative

When I please my boss ~ I’m apple-polishing

When my boss pleases his boss ~ He’s co-operating

When I do good, my boss never remembers

When I do wrong, he never forgets

THE BOSS IS NOT ALWAYS RIGHT, BUT THEN HE IS THE BOSS

 

 


 

 

THREE PRINCIPLES OF MODERN MANAGEMENT

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.

While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

NOT EVERYONE WHO DROPS SHIT ON YOU IS YOUR ENEMY

NOT EVERYONE WHO GETS YOU OUT OF SHIT IS YOUR FRIEND

AND WHEN YOU ARE IN DEEP SHIT, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT

 

 

 

Mr. Vincent Secapramana now become one of World's Greatest Business Mind

 

 


 

CORPORATE LIFE CYCLE

# An organization is like a tree full of monkeys all on different levels, some climbing up. The monkeys at the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

# All the time, the monkeys on the top will get the fruits first and most of the time they will eventually produce shit for all the monkeys below. And all the time, that's what the monkeys below will get.

# For those monkeys who are climbing up, they have to first kiss plenty of ass in order to move up.

How high they climb, will have to depend on how good they kiss. And always if the one on top will not kiss any ass, his ass will get kicked.

# During times of great difficulties and hardship, the monkeys on the top may fall a few branches down and hit the monkeys below. The monkeys below will be fallen upon and eventually some will fall off the tree, as in retrenched.

# As compensation these monkeys that fell off get, to keep the fruits that were shaken off the tree during the commotion. The tree becomes lighter and life slowly returns to normal.

# This Is What Is Known As " CORPORATE LIFE CYCLE "

 

SATIRE !!! Sorry, if this article is a little rough for some of you …....

 

 

DESTINY IS NOT A MATTER OF CHANCE, IT IS A MATTER OF CHOICE; IT IS NOT A THING TO BE WAITED FOR, IT IS A THING TO BE ACHIEVED

*Source: Praha School of Management Bulletin, Oct. 1998

 

 


 

 

 

BRAIN IS NOT EVERYTHING

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions". The feet said, "We should be the Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go". The hand said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money". And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet witched, the heart and the lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit.

 

 

 

YOU DON'T NEED BRAINS TO BE A BOSS - ANY ASSHOLE WILL DO …….

 


 

 

WHAT IS POLITIC ?

 

A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What's politics ?". Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it to you this way.

"I'm the bread winner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism'.

Your Mom is the administrator of the household, so we'll call her 'The Government'.

We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you 'The People'.

The Nanny works hard all day for very little money so, we'll consider her 'The Working Class'.

And your baby brother …..we'll call him 'The Future'.

Now, think about that and see if it makes sense. So, the little boy goes off to bed, thinking about what his Dad has said.

Later that night he hears his baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now".

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is about".

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit".

 

 

* Source : Rotary Club Bulletin Surabaya Central, May 2000

 


 

Want to get promoted !  

 

Please note down these important tips !

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal email, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim you'reteaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says : "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George Costanza of 'Seinfeld', one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss ' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly ours (e.g.9:35 pm, 7:05 am, etc...) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect.igh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.

8. Stacking Strategy. It's not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc... Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses.

 

Remember: Tressive MOST IMPORTANT.........

Don't forward this to your boss by mistake !

 

 


 

 

 

 


 

 

 

http://dingo.care2.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf

 

 

Ballet - seni tari klasik sepanjang masa

 

 

 

 

 

           

 

 

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